How do you tell your friends you need them
before you need them?
No, I understand the physical process required;
you know, open your mouth, make sounds
come out, secure something to do with
your afternoon besides silently screaming
into the void while laying on your floor.
So I guess the more appropriate question
would be how do you emotionally gear
yourself up to tell your friends you need them
before you need them?
Because I know that there is a difference
between a want and a need
and that my wants do not always align
with other people’s needs,
as in I highly doubt anyone would ever
categorize my presence as ‘a need,’
more just something that people tolerate
every once in a while,
some form of secular penance.
You know, say ten Hail Mary’s,
full of grace,
the lord is with thee
blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the person who
hangs out with the depressed kid
to feel better about themselves.
Yeah, grab some germ-x on the way out, bud.
I hear the depression vaccine is only
effective in ¼ of cases this year.
But the world is not all doom & gloom
and by some miracle akin to immaculate conception,
I do have a handful of friends.
But making friends is one thing.
Actually hanging out with them is another.
I am so used to only reaching out to people
when I am in a crisis and so desperately need them,
like oh-my god-I-think-I-might-actually-stress-vomit-
right-this-very-second-if-you-do-not-rescue-me-
immediately-from-this-overcrowded-corner-of-
the-library-need them,
that I am worried about the idea of not needing them
because then I am going to be so utterly alone
that I inevitably fall back into a depressive episode
in which I will subsequently once again need them.
And how the hell do people ask to hang out anyway?
“Hey pal I just wanted to let you know that I
preemptively need you because I know that if
I do not get enough socialization I will fall back
down the ever tightening spiral that is the
aggressively aggressive, depressingly depressive
fuck show that is my broken mind
so do you want to meet for coffee later?”
Yeah. That’ll go over well.
Because even though I do not want to be
the friend that is never okay,
at least the friend that is never okay
gets asked why they are never okay.
Whereas the friend that is okay is accepted
at face value in all of their unremarkable okay-ness
and thus left to inevitably fall back into
painful anonymity because who wants to
hang out with someone that is “just okay?”