Scared lonely little yellow girl,
on the outskirts of everyone’s game,
out of place, out of sight, out of mind.
Screaming yelling cursing,
that’s all you hear at home,
hide under the covers, pretend you’re alone.
Little ballet dancer,
just want to belong,
still sits alone before class.
I would go back and hug you if I could,
snuggle you and love you,
in the ways your others should.
Little silly clumsy writer,
words take you places this world never could.
~
Awkward weird pimply pre-teen,
comparing yourself as the fattest
in the blue and grey locker room.
Always picked last for softball,
being up at bat makes you cry,
everyone blames you for their loss.
Burrowing in books
makes you feel safe,
there are always happy endings.
One day you are kicked out of the tribe,
forced to play alone on the big yellow slide,
at least you’re used to the loneliness by now.
You wonder if it could get any worse,
and yes, it could.
~
Thirteen years old,
that weird in between place,
boy with a nice smile.
He takes your hand,
sits next to you,
you chat for a while.
Suddenly his hands are all over you,
his hot smelly breath whispers “more, more!”
as if he hasn’t already taken enough.
Dirty stupid ugly slut,
this was all your fault,
you shouldn’t have smiled back.
Will you ever get over this pain?
The world is still waiting for an answer.
~
Weird lonely high school girl,
first heart break
hurts the most.
Asked to write a poem about love
on Valentine’s Day,
crumbles in front of the class.
It is love she sought,
she never felt it before,
wonders if she’ll ever feel it again.
Alone she is, alone she is doomed to be
melodramatic accusations fly around,
she just wants to be held and cherished.
Hang tight my love,
this is not the end.
~
Ugly fat stupid disgusting,
the chorus chants in your head,
something must be done.
Cut calories back and back,
exercise as much as you can,
the pounds stop to drop off.
It is never enough,
you will always be too much,
perfection is what you seek.
Now stick your fingers down your throat,
you fucked up so badly,
you are stupid and fat and weak.
All you wanted was control,
now you are spiraling out of it.
~
Ugly stupid stupid girl,
you let so many people
hurt you.
Now pick up that razor blade
and do what you need to,
the pain will release you.
Another trap,
another spiral,
that you will fall down down down.
No need to hide it,
no one cares,
you are invisible.
Dripping oozing bright red blood,
the sight of it calms you down.
~
Scary painful ugly healing,
it comes in waves
day by day.
Hospitals and treatment centers
force on the pounds,
but they can’t force you to love yourself.
Calories come marching down your throat,
for once you can’t force them out,
misery sinks in as they coat your thighs.
Countless therapists and meds
flood your system,
but the pain is still there.
You have to want it to heal, and surrendering
to the process is the scariest thing yet.
~
Warm fuzzy loving man,
strong on the outside,
soft where it counts.
Fingers intertwined walking down a trail,
eyes scanning for tree roots,
we’re on our favorite trail.
He knows to dance you around the apartment,
waiting for the pasta to boil,
rigatoni and vodka sauce to be shared on the couch.
It’s the small moments that add up
and fill the soul when we’re apart,
it is always worth the Amtrak trip.
Soft gentle enduring love,
you make me feel safe again.
~
Brave, imperfect gentle woman
learning to count herself in laughter,
in smiles.
Tried and failed to give up,
so why not try to stay?
Find out what is on the other side.
Finally wanting to get better,
instead of wallowing in the sadness,
after all, growth is a process.
Scared tired fed up woman,
feeling is so much harder
than numbing will ever be.
But at least this time
she wants to live.