I feel lost.
Like there is
something
in my bones
screaming
at me to
tear myself
apart.
I’ve spent so long
ripping open my body,
razor blades whispering
soothing prayers
across my skin.
I am most comfortable
when my life
is a tornado of chaos
sweeping me along
in its path of destruction –
Slaving away
on the treadmill,
fingers at my throat
pulling every last
calorie out
screaming into my pillow
that I am so fucking fat
I should just cut
my stomach off –
People flinch when I say
that I miss the madness
I miss the turmoil
I miss the pain –
What they don’t understand
is that my worst demons
are my best friends,
that after a while the
torture starts to
feel like love
that I can’t break up
with what I know
is killing me –
At least in the darkness
I was never alone
at least when
I was starving
I felt numb
at least when
I tried
to kill myself
I finally felt free –
When you are at
your lowest
at least you know
it can’t get worse.