I went to put my head down today to close my eyes
but not go to sleep because I never willingly go to sleep
I’m just not good at it and I brand myself as someone that doesn’t nap
But the truth is every time I try to go to sleep every time I close my eyes
I am haunted by the things I’ve said and the things I haven’t
I feel this constant ache in my chest a ten pound weight on my lungs
every breath I take reminds me of every single failure of the day
And that is why I don’t like sleep because in reality I really do
In reality there is nothing more I want to do than cozy up with a nice blanket
and drift off into a peaceful doze for thirty minutes but I’ve never allowed
myself this luxury because I am absolutely terrified of what lies on the other side
But I realized today when I closed my eyes and immediately went searching
for that ever present ache telling me what I was doing wrong wasn’t there
And that realization shortened my breath and tunneled my vision and I laid there
eyes closed but my brain barreling down its usual course searching for the thing
that must be wrong causing me stress causing me ache causing me pain
and there’s no way that I could just lay there and not find anything
As a little girl I would stare at the dim yellow night light my sister and I
fought over in our shared bedroom in the middle of the night willing my eyes
to stay open because I was convinced staying up all night made me sick
and I really needed a break from the second grade
We couldn’t shut our doors at night so I would stare into the kitchen at the desk
built into the side of the wall and wonder what time it was without daring to
look at the clock because then my mind would immediately calculate the few
precious hours of peace I had left before I had to start over again and besides
that would mean finding my glasses and it was hard to do that in the dark
Age eighteen in the hospital staff would come in every fifteen minutes and shine
a light on the two beds in each room to make sure the residents were still breathing
and I would use the crack of light filtering in between checks to read until three a.m.
and when they told me I could no longer do this I laid on the cold bathroom floor
because there were no off switches in there so I could bury myself in a novel
ticking away the dark hours before they turned to light again
I left my laptop in Miami after boarding a six a.m. flight and the staff had to mail
it back because I was physically unable to sit with myself for even a second so I
had my laptop hidden under a pillow and listened to tv shows while I half fell asleep
every night even though I was supposed to be there to heal and not hide
Two years ago that one semester I attempted grad school during Halloween
after a fun day with my boyfriend I laid awake hours after telling him good night
my mind racing with fear because I hadn’t done a single assignment that semester
and I know my professors already granted me extensions but I just cannot
bare to open a text book and how do you even focus on an assignment
when you feel like you can never take a full breath?
I was so scared to renew my driver’s license in a new state that I just let it sit on a shelf
inching closer and closer to its expiration date and every night when the lights were off
and my boyfriend was snoring I would think about the months long dmv wait list
and the fact that I promised to drive him to his wisdom teeth removal surgery but
that was a day before my license expired and what if the surgery was postponed?
I took out a loan for that semester I never even finished and I tried not to think about it
because the asking price for a degree makes my chest hurt and admitting I had the loan
without having the degree was admitting that I had failed so I just didn’t say anything
I just let the fear fester in my chest and squeezed my eyes shut so tight my whole body shook
Nighttime is a time when the secrets I keep even when I shouldn’t come cozy up
against me and wedge themselves firmly between me and any hope of circadian rhythm
but I don’t actually think I have any secrets now but how could that be right?
I never turned in that behavioral psychology paper and I still have debt to pay
but I renewed my driver’s license and I stopped taking my anxiety medication
four times a day and now it only lives on my shelf in a category called just in case
I don’t lie awake shaking with cold and hunger like I did every single night for
five years planning all of the things I would never let myself eat the next day
and so what if I weigh more now than I ever have I laugh louder than ever before
I think I am afraid to close my eyes because I am so used to being afraid because
there was always something to fear there was always something looming over me
but today I think I no longer have to be fueled by fear and maybe I can just close
my eyes and maybe it will be scary and maybe I will still search for the anxious
ache in my chest that is no longer there but maybe I don’t need to lie awake
every night until three a.m. anymore wondering if it will be okay because it already is